Wake up

I spent most of the day in bed yesterday. I fell asleep at 4pm and awoke now at 4am.

I had a crippling headache or migraine. Something I’ve dealt with since I was a kid, after my first concussion.

BREATH CLAYTON.

DEEP BREATH.

I still hear my moms voice. An angel in the dark mind I tried to brighten.

A mind I could no longer imagine or see in.

Void of color and detail, unlike how it used to be. Chaotic and swirling like what I imagine a black hole to be.

Different. Dark. Scary. Lonely.

I fought and I fought. Death always felt like it was knocking. Crippled by fear.

I’ve learned many skills since then.

Selfmedication from 7th grade

Movement

Video games

Release

How to cheat

But now I change. Transformed by waves and big walls. Rivers and lonely mountain trails. Friends and lovers. Family and past souls.

I change for good, I sit in the pain and choose to work through it. No longer afraid of death but looking forward to life.

I am here

I am hurting

I am going to persevere

I made it through another night. I’m here now. I thank Kat for holding me me when I cried and panicked. I could spend the next hour thanking all those who have helped me, held me, touched me, and shown me light, or just allowed me to sit in the dark when that’s what I needed.

I hope you know who you are and how much you’ve helped.

❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

The next day:: going to bed early after a productive, healthy day. I am thankful, I am grateful.

I love you

I love me

Your life matters

My life matters