Las Grutas Loss

I’m here on “vacation”. By that I mean the 7 day stay in the beach town of Las Grutas. We have a house with 13 people staying in it.

I chose to stay “home” today while everyone went to the beach. Speaking Spanish is overwhelming and I feel separated-Lonely.

I’m bawling right now as I type this. Ive been crying for 10 minutes now.

I’m hurting. I’m isolating myself like Ive done so much in the past.

I’m stuck in polarities. I’m a man of extremes.

I don’t feel fit to be a Balance Coach. I feel like I need a Balance Coach.

Who wants a teacher that can’t teach them anything. I feel like the more I try the more I fail. I know I need to just let go. I know I just need to be and that is enough but sometimes its so hard to ———— stepping away

I’m back.

None of this is easy

We are all given tools or develop tools through childhood. I’m very hard on myself. Its one of my best and worst tools.

I feel like I can accomplish anything and everything.

But sometimes when I’m down, I’m still hard on me. Like mean.

I don’t know how to stop at times, its why I say I’m a man of extremes.

I’m so so so grateful I have made friends who call me when I post a picture of me crying. And friends who send messages saying they love me. And strangers who I met once on a plane and still decide to send me a nice note.

My mind is allllllllllll over the place, I know that. I’m thankful for those who resonate with it.

I’m difficult to deal with and so i know I am for others too. I feel so much for my parents and sisters. I got being hard on myself from all of them.

It seems like support and love but it actually hurts like hell and sometimes has the adverse affect on me and I get nothing done and just want to rebel.

I was a rebel and a liar as a kid. It was how I coped with my family and the way they treated me. I lied as much as possible and did the opposite of what my parents told me to do. Well I did just enough to stay out of BIG trouble, so it was always in isolation or behind their backs.

Why am I sharing this?

We all have tools and we all cope. In different and similar ways. We all get sad. We all move through our trauma and grief whether we want to or not. Reach out and ill help support you, or ill send people your way who can help better.

I’m in Las Grutas not feeling so alone right now because of sweet little messages, phone calls, and simple acknowledgement that I am human.

I love you so so much

Your life matters, YOU MATTER

My life matters, I MATTER

LOOOOOOOOVVVVVVVEEEEE with whatever tools you have, in whatever way you know how to.

Thank you for reading

Thank you for being you

Before I leave this post here and go back to my day, I want to state that I have lost so many friends and people who I love and care about. This alone has kept me from connecting and loving. I’m sorry to all of those I have missed the opportunity to do so with. I’m sorry to those who I have pushed away and hurt. My trauma is no excuse for what Ive done. Fear is no way to make decisions.

I’m sorry to myself for letting me hurt so bad. I want to be nicer to myself. I want to thank me for showing up just as I am and using the tools Ive been given. I am getting smarter as I grow and learn, and learning to hurt others and myself less. Thank you Clayton Michael Koob.