Truth

My truth is that I’ve lied, ignored, manipulated, stolen, created delusion, and cheated either in a selfish-self gain-self protection or what I thought was protecting others. I did so much so that it took me brink of insanity and suicide and self abuse. This shit storm of lies has hurt so many people in my path. I’ve let down, abandoned, hurt, pushed away, and disappointed almost countless people. Ive made lists in the past and tried to make amends with some, but there is much work to do. I feel now as though the only thing I can do is continue to work out the lies from my story. I need and want to find my truth and listen to the truth of others. To weed out the lies. TO not contributed any more lies. It’s a challenging idea and path. The truth is I’m scared but I’ve been getting help in many different forms now and from many people. I have social support. Group meetings. A sponsor. I luckily have family and friends who love me and support me. Im learning to be true to myself so i can be true to myself, and share me with others, all others, no matter how difficult or uncomfortable it is.

If you read this and know me you might say haha sure Clayton, U climb rocks and walk lines, this is easy for you. It’s not. Cerebral matters are difficult for me. Im developing this and these skills. TRUTH. MY TRUTH. Learning to listen to and share this rather than a story that seems or sounds appealing, or paints me in good light. I have bad light, and darkness, and hatred, fear, and guilt. I have disappointment. I have strength, but it comes from a place of weakness. Im ready to get strength from true strength. Im ready for vulnerability and honesty, and connection to a higher power, and to others. Im ready, but at the same time Im not.

My truth is I don’t know if Ill ever be ready or if Ill ever improve or recover or find my truth, or sift out all the lies I’ve told in my life. Im scared people won’t forgive me or love me if they know my truth.

My truth is I don’t know my truth.

My truth is I still need help and am going to continue to get help.

My truth is alllllll over the place. I think there’s a reason I like exploring.

Enough for now. Time to go work after a really wonderful morning. Crying in the meadow praying, meditating, playing, playing music, stealing coffee and sitting by the fire place.

Much love

Thank you