Today 11/16/23
Today I move out of the day care housing in the valley. Fired.. Being disrespectful and not working cohesively. I left without a problem or a point of defensiveness, other than “no warnings? Or written action taken against me?”.
2 days notice. Zero warnings. Welp……
I said okay, grabbed my stuff and left work. I went to the house and started packing. I got angry, got scared, cried. Then I got numb… I didn’t allow myself to feel. I wanted to feel anything. I chose not to turn towards booze or drugs. I tried to sit with it. I called my AA sponsor. I took a hot bath.
Ahhhhh the shutdow… but look… positive action. GROWTH!!
I started to feel again. I had to allow myself to feel. Only a little. I had to trust I would be okay, trust that others would be okay if I felt and shared those feelings.
27 years old Clayton Michael Koob…… Age is but a number.
A number that seems to matter in the world. Seniority maters here Ive been shown. Between perspective and say so. But I don’t want to get into logistics of what I believe about the action YNPCCC took against me. Or what feels like wrongful termination. Or what I feel my coworkers did wrong that brought about my defensiveness and lack of respect i gave them. Huh.. letting go of my story is hard. I admit I did not handle the situation very maturely. I will say I love those kids and families and want the very best for them. I had the right reasons but chose the wrong means. I also want the best for my old coworkers. I really thought they would be better off in a job that made them happier, or a place they could learn first how to work with kids in a healthier way.
Turns out I needed to leave. To allow myself to be in a situation that better served me. I got what I deserved. Fired. That’s a first..
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I feel that since I started using and drinking at 13 years old that I stunted my emotional maturity. I want to grow up but I also want to remain a kid. A balance..
A Balancing act not to be stressed but enjoyed. A life worth living and working through.
Something not to impose on the world or others. But to provide and show. Something to give freely. Not something to hold over anyone’s head. Not something I can give but more so something I can tap into.
God, or the Universe, or Source, whatever YOU want to call a higher power, or the higher power, does indeed have the power. I am powerless and I felt that very much so in the recent curve ball of my life. I might as well swing for glory instead of watching the ball pass me by.
Failure. Not my first and not my last.
I have hope that I will do better, and be better. I have hope that I will tap into the flow from the higher power and not try to swim upstream or on land. Instead.
Ill take what I know works, and leave what doesn’t.
I know changing others doesn’t work. I know being defensive doesn’t work. I know thinking Im better doesn’t work.
I know communication from the heart and real truth work. I know being kind works. I know acceptance works. I know showing up and sitting with my shit and failures, and mistakes works. I know that as hard as it can be I can get through it.
I know I really don’t know much of anything. I know that there are people and friends who will support me when things go wrong in my life and Im so so so so so grateful for them. I know that I’m here now and that I want to be here, even when escaping is something I’ve habitually ingrained along my path.
I know from talking to others that I can let go, I can unlearn, I can grow, I can if I put my mind towards it.
I think everything happens for a reason, I really hope it does. It feels that way looking back at my past and Im grateful for even the shittiest of things.
Right now Im grateful for the tears rolling down my face. Im grateful to be sharing instead of holding all this shit in. Im grateful to have a support system. Im grateful for all the material toys I have. Im grateful to have been connecting, or trying to connect with God more. Im grateful to be going inward and feeling instead of just shutting this shit out. Im grateful for seeing every sunrise in November so far. Im grateful for 23 days of sobriety from alcohol, weed, and tobacco. Im grateful for the challenges. Im grateful for this space to share
Im grateful for anyone who reads this.
Im grateful to not be alone, but Im grateful to find some alone time.
Thank you
Much love
