Kicking Crying Screaming

At least 6 years ago, with an old family dog named Ellie. I did a lot of KCS during this time.

Sometimes I need to let shit out. Sometimes I bottle it up too much and it comes out distorted, magnificently beautiful and ugly. Raw and real.

I cry kick and scream

Luckily I have support systems. Internal and external.

Im grateful for all of my feeling, thoughts, actions, past, present, and future.

I believe fully and truly that everything is happening just as it is supposed to. Yes I believe in free will still. Yes this means bad things happen. Yes this means difficult times

But

It also means there will be beautiful and blissful times.

Right now is 3:49am. I awoke full of energy at 2:30. 24 hours earlier I was kicking crying and screaming. Well the kicking and screaming were over within the first 15 minutes. But the crying, which started around 11 persisted until 4am.

Too long of a story and too much background information needed to give yall a real representation of what happened. I would love to chat about it or make a vlog. ((((( Mhm idea )))))

I clearly needed the release. I had a skewed image of my reality and interaction with it, from what i believe was bottling shit up and pressure building. I couldn’t handle faking it. I couldn’t handle the way things were unfolding because I couldn’t accept my truth.

The truth that I AM HUMAN. I MAKE MISTAKES. I FEEL THINGS AND THEY ARE VALID. MY LIFE MATTERS.

The question is: What is my truth?

Im making my truth right now, and each second by choosing to be honest with myself and ask for what I need. Or to remove myself from a situation for however long I need. Or to really dive into my thoughts and feelings and let them splash into the external world, ideally with people I love around so I can reach out for help when I need to. (for sake of the diving/swimming analogy, so I don’t drown).

My truth is also that I need help. Im really good at suffering. Really good at presenting the image of a happy go lucky, successful white male. But I struggle, as well as succeed. I have good and bad times. Unfortunately and Fortunately I have some of the best times possible and worst times possible. I have felt extreme on both ends.

I talk about and choose balance. I want to confirm with myself and publicly that I don’t want to numb any of the extremes out and stay in the center. Thats not balance.

Balance is acceptance. Balance is experiencing the full range of experiences and feeling. Balance is beautiful, ugly, and messy at times. Balance is acceptance.

Sometimes balance is Kicking, Crying, and Screaming.

I love you

I love me

My life matters

Your life matters